The Other "F" Word....

FORGIVENESS.

They say forgiveness is for you, not the other person...for the forgivER, not the forgivEE. Turns out that's true. Turns out forgiveness is easier said than done. Turns out that even if forgiveness is something you want, something you search for, something you try for, with each step forward, there are also steps back. Turns out forgiveness is elusive.

I WANT to forgive.
I NEED to forgive.
I think (maybe) I CAN forgive.
Seems I just don't know HOW to forgive.

See--Elusive.

They also say that forgiveness is accepting that the past, and therefore the present, couldn't have been any different. This is where I run into trouble. We all have the free will to make choices in life. Our choices alter the paths of our lives, and in turn, the lives of those around us. Our choices created the past that lead to the present. Had you made different choices, the present could be very different. To accept that it couldn't have been any different, somehow lessens your responsibility in the situation. As if it couldn't have been helped. It could have been helped, and that's the part I can't forgive. But, it is what it is, so that is my starting point.

One day a few months ago I started thinking: How can I teach my children about forgiveness, if I cannot do it myself? How can I teach them about being a family, if I also turn my back? How can I teach them about respect, if I cannot show it to someone who doesn't give it? How can I teach them about boundaries, if I don't create them for all of us? How can I teach them about being the bigger person, the kinder person, if I don't show them how to carry themselves? How do I teach them to do the right thing, even if you don't want to?  How can I teach them to do all of these things, even especially when you think you are the one who is right. How will you teach your children all of these things? I opened the door. What will you do?  How will you teach her these things?

My forgiveness is not for you. It is for me. It is for them. All (soon-to-be) THREE of them. Two that I love more than words, and One that I hope to someday get to meet. One that will hopefully, someday, know how much we love her and want to know her. It was them that started me thinking. It was them that started me forgiving. It was them that made me brave enough to open the door. It is for them that I am willing to try to find answers, or at least a peace. What that resolution looks like, I don't yet know. But I do know this: for them, I must try. 

But I wonder if she will change you, just as they changed me. How can she not? I guess we will know soon enough.

I still don't trust you. I still don't see a close relationship with you.   That still makes me sad.  Still makes me mad.  Someday, there will have to be a conversation.  There will have to be answers and accountability.  But I see who you are.  Clearly.  I see myself better now too.  I have surprised myself.  I don't know what to hope for because I am not sure what my own heart wants, or what I am willing to give.  All I can control is what I can give, so until that is defined, I tread very, very lightly. I don't expect anything. But I know who you are now. I see you. Clearly.

So can I forgive? I guess that's up to me.  I can now say that while I still hate what you have done to us, I no longer hate you, so I guess that's a start...